Dating an Addict
You meet ‘the one.’ Seemingly perfect in every way for you; you complement each other. Then you find out that this person was an addict in a past life. Deal breaker? Not necessarily. A recovering addict, who is strong in their recovery and works a solid program, can make an awesome partner. Having taken themselves on in a courageous way, they know the importance of communication, honesty, and self-reflection. Working a program means that they have most likely worked the 12 Steps. If you are not familiar with them, they basically are a guideline to being a better person in all aspects of your life: in relationships, at work, in society, in general. So, dating an addict should not immediately scare you off. But, there are some things to keep in mind if you happen to fall in love with one.
Dating an Addict: Love Doesn’t Conquer All
First of all, if the person is in active addiction, dating an addict is not recommended unless you are the type of person who relishes in having your heart broken. The drug will always come first. Your love cannot change that. If you’re dating an addict in recovery, it is just as important to remember this bit of advice. Yes, love the person unconditionally but, if they relapse, be prepared to let them go. A relapse can be for only a day or it can last years. If your lover chooses to go back out and isn’t ready to return to sobriety, you loving them will not change that. You can love them from afar but, be ready to walk away.
Dating an Addict: Addiction is a Chronic, Relapsing, and Progressive Disease
The National Institute on Drug Abuse estimates that 40% to 60% of addicts relapse. Therefore, it is important to know that relapse is a possibility. However, you can be prepared by educating yourself about addiction and having open communication with your partner (which all good relationships require) so that you may know your partner’s warning signs – things to look out for in their behavior or mood that point to a possible relapse in the making.
Dating an Addict: Be Supportive
If you are a social drinker or use drugs recreationally, be respectful that your partner cannot simply have a couple drinks or do a little coke like you can. If you go as a couple to a party or other social event, you may need to refrain from drinking in their presence. Be mindful and have an honest conversation; make a game plan before going out. If you’re dating an addict in recovery, give them the space they need to go to meetings or meet with their sponsor or sponsees. Be open to going to meetings if your partner asks you to.
Dating an Addict: The Past is, for the Most Part, the Past
Most people, while in active addiction, do a lot of desperate things in order to support their habit. Often times, this means breaking the law. It might be difficult dating an addict and finding out they did some pretty grimy things but, if those things are incongruent with the person you’ve fallen in love with, then be aware that the past is the past. That really wasn’t who they truly are. Now, that being said, they might still have legal issues to work out from their past life. This sort of thing can take its toll on a relationship.
Dating an Addict: Don’t Lose Yourself
If your partner does relapse, it can become difficult to know what boundaries to set, because you have feelings for them. You may feel torn about ending the relationship: after all, you were aware that you were dating an addict and that relapse is a possibility. Relationships are about unconditional love and being there for each other. But, keep in mind that addiction is an entirely different beast than “normal” relationship problems. If the relationship is making one or both of you sick despite your best efforts, it might be time to call it quits. Be in tune with yourself so that you can recognize when you’re being supportive or when you’re enabling your partner. Only you will know when it’s time to end the relationship.
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